She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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