I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
