My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We smell like vodka and hangover
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
