yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We got so high we made milksteak
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
