Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
