I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
