He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
