I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
