i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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