boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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