I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
