i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
