Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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