That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize