Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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