He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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