He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
