SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
