she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
