her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
