between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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