I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
