She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
