I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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