You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
