So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
