if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
