my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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