i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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