Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
