you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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