I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
