either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
