Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
