I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
