Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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