Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
