By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
