wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
