He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
