grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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