im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
