I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
