i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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