Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
