Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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