just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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