evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
