i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There's always time for handjobs
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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