I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
