you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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