i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
