I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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