I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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