the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
